WANTED TO ASK I
f I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: men are really simple creatures. And there are some subjects we’re just not going to spend a whole lot of time thinking about— we’re just going to answer your questions, straight, no chaser. So I asked a bunch of my female co-workers and associates to fire some questions at me—things they’ve always wanted to know that their girlfriends just couldn’t answer for them in a satisfying way. They asked—I answered. Here it goes:
Men have different aesthetics, so what might be a turnoff for one man may be a total turn-on for another. Rest assured, though, that no matter the flaws you find when you look at yourself in the mirror, somewhere on God’s earth, you are really “doing it” for someone—someone out there is attracted to you exactly the way you are. A confident woman is incred- ibly attractive, no matter what mold she fits in. Men are also very visual people, so there is no question men will check out a woman’s clothes, the way she walks, her makeup, her feet, her hands, her daintiness—little escapes our notice.
For the average man, whatever you’re doing to make yourself look beautiful while you’re hanging on his arm is cool by him. Boob jobs, tummy tucks, breast reductions, nose jobs—if it makes you feel beautiful, we’re good. But if you’re telling your man you want a nose job and he sees nothing wrong with the nose you
already have, then maybe you ought to think about leaving your nose alone. Why run the risk of some- thing going wrong when your man is already happy with the way you look? Why lose the extra weight if your man is happy with you the way you are? Sure, it’s fine for you to do it if it’s something you want to do for yourself. But a man isn’t going to care about it one way or the other if he’s already happy with what you have.
A lot of men in their forties and fifties start trying to validate themselves by going out with women who are significantly younger. It’s the equivalent of those same- age men going out and buying itty-bitty sports cars with big engines that make a lot of noise; they do this because their “engine” doesn’t make a lot of noise anymore. This is especially true if that man doesn’t have his life to- gether. This isn’t a reflection on women at all; it’s his problem. But guess what? There’s a younger man look- ing at you right now, saying to himself, “Wow—I sure wouldn’t mind validating myself with her!” There’s a lot of that going on, too, you know. Like I said before, there’s somebody for everybody.
Men like all kinds of women. There’s a man out there for every body type. There are men who like them big, there are men who like only small, petite women, and there are men who prefer women who fit between those sizes. It runs the gamut. It does not matter what size you are—there is a man somewhere for you.
I wouldn’t, and most nonsmokers wouldn’t, ei- ther. The skin of women who smoke ages prema- turely and their lips are stained. It ages them internally, too. And for me, it exhibits a weakness and a lack of understanding about their own health. Once we non- smoking men see that a woman doesn’t care about her own health, we immediately equate that to her inability to care for her man and her kids. Most non- smoking men will not tolerate a smoking woman— not on a permanent basis. We’ll sleep with you, but we’re not taking you home.
A man who loves you is going to love you regard- less. As we ourselves get bellies and love handles, we certainly understand yours. We get that you’re not go- ing to look exactly like you did when we first met you. If you can keep it in some kind of parameter, though— gain ten pounds, but avoid gaining a hundred—and be sexy and fix it up and look nice with whatever extra weight you’ve put on or taken off, we’re cool. If your man is shallow, he’ll insist he just can’t see past it. But if a man recognizes that, a few pounds notwithstand- ing, you’re still making an effort to do what it takes to be visually appealing, he will be fine with it.
Heels, baby. Heels. If we could get athletic shoes with heels for women, we would. It’s just a really sexy thing to us. I don’t know a single man who prefers women in flats; I’ve never run into one. We all think heels make your legs more beautiful, they make your walk more femi- nine—and you, too. And that’s what we're attracted to.
A smart man can’t date a dumb woman. But he can use a dumb woman. Most smart men don’t want to date a dumb woman because we need to know that she can handle herself and our affairs, especially if we’re thinking about giving her a ring. She can’t walk into the office party acting like the office dummy. Now, we don’t mind having a woman on the side who is dumb and fine, but we won’t keep her.
It’s a total come-on. In our mind, if you want to buy us a drink, you want us. And if we think you want us, well, then, game on—we’re coming in for the kill.
Some men like it, but a man who doesn’t drink certainly isn’t going to care for a woman who par- takes in the spirits. Know, though, that no man likes a drunk woman, unless you’re in college and we’re
heading back to your dorm room. Remember, men want women to act like ladies at all times. If you drink socially, cool. But if your man has to carry you out, because you’ve passed out, you’re hanging on to someone else, or you’re talking loud and telling him you like slamming down shots, it’s going to be a problem.
Only if you’re in a committed relationship. Other than that, all he’ll think is (a) you’re trying to trap him, and (b) you expect something in return. Just wait and see what he’s going to bring to your table first—let him be the man and spoil you. Real men like to do this for the women they care about. Note: Be thankful for the gifts he gives you, but don’t take it as the end all/be all sign that you’re go- ing to get a ring next week. A gift is just that—a gift. Not a sign of things to come. Only his ac- tions—the way he professes, protects, and provides for you—will give you a true sign of how this man feels about you.
Don’t do it in the beginning of the relationship, unless you’re perfectly comfortable with the title gold digger. But if you’re in a relationship—just you and him—and you’re really in a financial pinch, mention it and see how he reacts. Say, “I’m really in a crunch, and I’m embarrassed to ask, but I really need your help. Do you think you could loan me $100 to meet this pay- ment? I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.” Most men who really care about you won’t think anything of it if they have it.
Without a doubt. If you’re dealing with a man whose life isn’t on track, who isn't at peace with who he is, how much he makes, and what he does, you might have a guy who’d be reluctant to help because he’s still struggling to reach his goals and won’t have time to help you with yours. But if he has his act together and he’s really secure in his manhood, he’ll help.
Not at all. These days it’s almost a necessity for both the husband and the wife to work to make ends meet. But if a man is in a position to provide every- thing his family needs, most men would not have a problem with his woman staying home.
This is the twenty-first century, so most men don’t have a problem with women drivers. But there are still some old-fashioned, chauvinist men who think women should leave the driving to the opposite sex. I don’t know what cave they’re living in. Matter of fact, I haven’t met any of them yet.
No. Some guys like that, but mostly what they like is enjoying the game in peace. If you’re not into it, go find something else to do.
We’ll go if you make us and it’s the only way we can spend time with you. But it’s not what we want to do. Think about it: the Men’s Department is al- most always on the first floor, by the door, and al- ways one of the smaller sections in the store. There is no juniors department, no couture department, none of that. It’s so we can get in and get out. You never walk in and see men rummaging through the sales racks and holding shirts up to their chests and openly asking if they’d look better in the blue or the green. We go in knowing exactly what we want, and come out with it. Rarely anything more. In and out: that’s what we like about shopping. Getting in, and getting out.
It depends on the man. But really, who cares these days? It’s not the big stink that it used to be. Personally I don’t care. Love comes in every color— and if a person finds love and that person is of a dif- ferent race from him or her, it shouldn’t matter because the two of them found love. And isn’t that
what counts the most? Women have to make sure, though, that that’s what they’re doing it for. If she’s doing it for some kind of status, then that’s a horrible reason to get married to someone from a different race. But if she’s doing it for love, more power to her.
Because we’re hot. We’re exhausted. We put in a lot of work, we’re sweaty and burning up and we just need you to hold on a minute before you come climbing over to the side of our bed talking about holding something.
It’s not a good idea to break that news at the kitchen table or on a long car ride. Nothing good can come from that. When you question our sexual abilities, we get really nervous and really self-conscious really quickly. I suggest you break the news while you’re in the act. We’re a little bit more open to it then. Say something like, “Oh, I like it when you do this,” or
“That’s nice, baby, now do it this way,” and watch him go to work. We’ll put our backs into it then, because it makes us feel like we’re pleasing you in- stead of absorbing complaints. During the act, we’re open to any and all suggestions, as long as we think we’re getting it.
Whatever you do, don’t open this conversation with the dreaded four words: “We need to talk.” Our defenses immediately go up, warning signs start flash- ing before our eyes, and now we’re pretty confident whatever good time we had planned is about to be ruined. Instead, try telling your man spontaneously something like, “I just can’t get enough of you.” That will make him know that the bar is up there—he’ll be more than willing to jump over it because you’ve made him feel like you want him, instead of like there’s something wrong.
One day is more than enough punishment for us if we’re talking about some kind of argument. You’re mad about something he said about the kids and you don’t want to have sex tonight? Okay. But tomorrow, if you’re still mad about the kids and he’s tapping you on the shoulder and you’re shaking off his hand, that’s a problem. Men are not going to hang in for that too long. But we’ll go without longer if we violated your trust in some kind of way and we need to gain back your respect and trust. We understand that much.
I haven’t a clue—only gay men, or women who’ve dated men on the down low, can answer that question for you. I don’t fall into either of those categories.
If a man goes along with an “open relationship” or he offers it, he’s doing so because you are not in his long-
term plans. He does not see a future with you. Both of you can stop all this “We wanted some spice in the rela- tionship” talk. When a man loves you, he’s not trying to share you with anybody—period. When you find that guy who’s willing, I will show you the guy who’s not in love with you. We’re just not cut out that way.
Yes—it makes us uncomfortable. We think you’re trying to dig deep into our soul when you start trolling through our past and, possibly, passing judgment on it. Still, you have the right to know about a man’s past. Just don’t ask about it on the first date, because you will not get an honest answer, ever. He hasn’t even decided about how permanent this thing between you is going to be—there’ll be no need to reveal the soul. Don’t even waste your time asking about his previous woman; all he’s go- ing to claim is hurt, not what he may have done to her. Give your relationship time, and he’ll reveal what you need to know.
Most men have a problem with that. Think about the three ways I told you a man shows his love. He pro- tects, provides, and professes. And if we can’t say “This is Mrs. Harvey,” then you’re taking away the very core of how we show our love. We also need to know that we have your loyalty, and you show that by taking our name. We really don’t care how important your dad’s name or your family name is to you; we’re about to start a family. A man needs to know you’re as committed to this family as you are to your old one. You can hyphen- ate it if you want to, but that last name really needs to be the same as your man’s. And if you’re not committed to that, then why don’t you just go marry your daddy?
There’s no need to do that; we’ve got that covered. We’re pretty clear that our woman can walk out at any time. But if you push it and try to make us jealous, you’re going to be playing a dangerous game. Doing that almost
always triggers a reflex in a man; he might be liable to say, “Oh, okay—two can play at that game!” If you feel like you have to make him jealous because you’re not getting the attention you want, you might want to consult the “Men Need Standards—Get Some” chapter, and then use some of those tips to get the man you need and deserve.
I strongly suggest that if you’re in a fully committed relationship, all the chitchat you’re having with a male friend gets dialed back. Take down the college pictures of the two of you, don’t let him call the house or send gifts and such; continuing this every day is just asking for trouble. Think about it: I don’t care if you could only see her picture in the dark with an invisible blue light; if your man kept a picture of another woman in his per- sonal belongings, you’d lose your mind. How would you like it if he had a woman calling the house asking to speak to him? Or he accepted flowers from her? Exactly. What I suggest is that you avoid doing anything that will make your man have uncomfortable thoughts about you and someone else—period. Form a two-handed circle and don’t let anyone else in, especially male “friends.” You’ll be happy you did.
Mostly out of weakness and a need to control something in their lives. But I have found that men who hit women have no tales or stories of hitting men. They’re that weak.
We don’t mind them. I mean, your man can’t tell you not to have girlfriends any more than you can say he can’t go play golf with the boys. Girlfriends are fine.
We hate gossiping. But we know we can’t stop it. It’s an invasion of privacy, and a man is pretty confi- dent that if you and your friends are willing to talk about other people together, then your friends are probably talking about you and him, too. Keep that in mind the next time you start getting all into other people’s business.
Not if she’s The One. Wives and significant oth- ers are off-limits in conversations between men, be- cause no man wants you thinking about his woman any kind of way, much less in a romantic or sexual way. Every man is clear on this. However, if you’re not The One—you’re just someone that we’re “do- ing” while we look for The One—then you will be talked about, rest assured.
Look, if you don’t have a good relationship with his mother, and she doesn’t care for you, it is going to be stressful. Any woman who has been in a relation- ship with a man for ninety days should have met the family already, and if he hasn’t introduced you, then you either need to ask why, or you should pretty much accept that he’s not interested in forging a long-term relationship with you. If you’re good enough for him to make it to his bed, you should be good enough to meet his mother.
Hell, no. No man is breaking up with his girl be- cause she doesn’t get along with family members (other than his mother). A sister doesn’t have to come around to the house and be a part of family functions if she can’t get along with the woman a man loves. The same holds true for cousins, aunties, and uncles.
If you put your family before him, he’s out of there.
It’s cool—men know the child has a father, and if he’s in his kid’s life, we understand we’ll have to have some type of interaction with him. But your new man needs to be able to come to your house and be himself. If he’s in a committed relationship with you and he sees the kids doing something wrong and he can’t say anything to them about it, then you’re
not letting him be the provider and protector he wants to be, and that’s going to be a problem for him. You can’t allow a man to buy school clothes, help put a roof over your head, put groceries in the refrigerator and buy gas for the car, and then tell him he doesn’t have the right to be a father figure—if not a father—to the kids. If that’s the case, then what is his point of being there? You’ll have to figure out some kind of balance—one that allows your child’s father to do his job, but also allows your new man to do his job, too. And if he can’t participate in raising the child, that could explain why the baby’s daddy left in the first place.
Look, there are only a few Will and Jada Pinkett Smiths in this world. If you’re one of them, congratu- lations. But really, he’s not betting that you two will hit it off too well, and so he won’t force the issue.
If you’re calling to say, “I have a special surprise for you when you get home,” that’s a good interruption. But if it’s a phone call to talk about petty problems? Not a good interruption. Just because you feel like say- ing something right now this minute doesn’t mean it should be said.
Once a man gives his answer to whatever ques- tion you’re asking (or he thinks he heard, even if you never asked one), he’s probably not listening to you anymore. Your cue is when he gives an answer. As far as he’s concerned, his solution will fix whatever it is you’re talking about, and if you’re still talking after that, he’s not listening anymore.
That “I don’t cook thing” is really big, now. If you’re gorgeous and you don’t cook, we can kind of overlook it. But if we’re married and you’re not hook- ing yourself up like you used to and you don’t cook? You’re asking too much—you’re taking us for granted. Men appreciate a woman who can put together a meal. Here’s good news for you women who can’t cook: all of the cooking issues you have in the kitchen can be balanced out if you can really cook in the bedroom.
Absolutely. When we’re considering whether to get into a committed relationship with you, we’re thinking about what our house will be like, whether you’ll be a good mother, if you’ll be able to handle the finances and make sound decisions. You should be evaluating us in the same fashion.
Men cannot stand women who are not clean. When our boys come over, do you really think we want to show them a junky house? Are we really going to invite our mothers over to sit on a couch in a nasty living room? I don’t think so. How the house looks is a reflection of you; people aren’t go- ing to walk in and say, “He sure keeps a dirty house”; they’re going to say, “She sure keeps a dirty house.” No matter how society changes or how many responsibilities men take on in the household, the bottom line is that everyone still expects the woman to turn a house into a home—a clean home. We men are no different. We like it when you put out the candles and the floral arrangements and the china and the silver, and we like to walk into a clean house. Now if we’re both working and you don’t have time to keep it up, and I don’t want to keep it up, then we need to carve out some cash to get a housekeeper! But the house simply cannot be dirty.
Yes. It determines how much we’re going to have to work, and how much fixing we’re going to have to do to provide for you. Now, it may not be a deal breaker. But it could certainly be a factor that men weigh.
We’ll follow you to a new job if we’re secure in our manhood and confident we can still provide for you the way we want and need to. But if we have to lose everything we’ve worked to build to do it, and there’s not evidence that we’ll be able to pick up the pieces while you’re working your new job, then it’s going to be a tough fight.
We’re only interested in it if it’s going to save our ass. If we think we’re going to lose you and counseling will keep us together, then we’ll go. But if it won’t
save our ass, we can’t see any good reason why we should sit on a couch and talk to a person with a tablet, getting judged for every move we’ve ever made.
We like them. But please don’t expect the same reaction you would have. We’re not going to go to pieces and cry because you brought home a gift or planned a special trip or put together a nice, romantic surprise dinner for us. That’s, well, not very manly.
For the most part, we don’t worry about it to the extent that women do, because we know your makeup is different from ours. You’re more careful about the mates you choose, and you have higher standards when it comes to deciding who you will sleep with. In our minds, this drastically cuts down the likelihood of our women cheating.