ineteen seventy-seven—it was a good year. I was living in Cleveland, I had a two-bedroom apart- ment, brand spanking new. I hadn’t quite gotten the car I wanted, but I was working on it. And I had a job at the Ford motor plant. They had a high hourly wage there, and overtime—more money than a man of my stature could dream of making. But more important, Ford had benefits. Thing is, you had to be on the job for a while to get them. Oh, you could get a paycheck, but you could not get the benefits; and as far as any of the full-time regulars on the line were concerned, you
were not in until you had the benefits. Ford’s policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they’d cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you benefits after you have proven to me you are worthy—work hard, show up on time, follow your super- visor’s orders, and get along with your co-workers for ninety days, and then you can get dental and medical coverage. You can get your eyes checked, no problem. Your hernia could bust and we will take care of you. We will take care of your kids’ teeth and eyes, and if you’ve got a woman, she can get glasses and crowns on her teeth if she needs them, and any more babies you have with your lady after this, we’re going to take care of them, too. Your whole family will be covered. We are going to provide you with a benefit package.
And you know something? All of this made perfect sense to me. I was being challenged to show everybody at the plant that I was serious, and ready and able to work hard for both the salary and the right to have them pay my medical and dental expenses—and as a man, I needed and wanted to prove that I was up for the challenge and worthy of the reward. I agreed 100 percent with what the Ford Motor Company was saying to me, and so I signed on the dotted line. I wanted to be a part of the Ford family.
The first day I got paid, the supervisor came through and said, “Here’s your check, appreciate you coming.” The check was cool, but I wasn’t making an appointment at the doctor’s office
anytime soon. If I got a toothache—hell, if both of my front teeth were loose and about to fall clean out of my mouth—there wouldn’t be any dentist appointments for ninety days, because Ford had already said I had to prove myself to the people who signed the checks in order to get the extras—the perks.
It was a really simple equation: work hard, prove yourself, get the benefits.
And guess what? It’s the same way with jobs in the govern- ment, places like the post office, the DMV—and even in some corporations. You have got to prove yourself to get the good stuff, the extras, the benefits.
So if Ford and the government won’t give a man benefits until he’s been on the job and proven himself, why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they’ve proven them- selves worthy? Come on now, you know what the benefits are. I’m not talking about being nice to him, or cooking for him, or going out to dinner with him, or helping him pick out an outfit, or bringing him around your mother. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship—you do special things for each other because you care. By benefits, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about sex. And if you’re giving your benefits to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.
You don’t know this man—not much about him, anyway. He doesn’t know you. He hasn’t proven himself.
And he could walk off the job at any time. And you’ll have no one but yourself to blame. Think about it: the first guy you slept with quicker than ninety days—where is he? I’m willing to bet that you’re prob- ably not with him. True, there are some people out there some- where who had sex early in the relationship and are still together to this very day, but that’s rare. More likely than not, a guy who gets benefits early in a relationship, without having to put in work or prove himself, leaves and moves on to a committed relationship with a woman who puts him through some type of probationary period to find out more about him. I’m sure that woman laid out the rules—the requirements—early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those require- ments, or just move on.
A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything—someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have—your benefits—are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them. The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud beneficiary of your benefits. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait.
Of course, you’ve got to use your ninety days wisely; a pro- bationary period means nothing if you’re not putting this guy through the paces. During that ninety-day period, you should be checking him out—does he come when he says he’s going to come; does he call when he’s going to be late; does he like and care about your friends and, if you have them, your children; does he express his joy at being in your presence? Most impor- tant, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a committed relationship? Or do you see signs that make your God-given intuition kick in? You know how it goes: you haven’t been invited over to his house, you only have the cell phone number, he won’t answer his phone when you’re in the room or he takes hushed calls in the corner where you can’t hear what’s being said—he tells you he’s dating other women, or, somehow, you just know he is. These are tendencies you can’t possibly see in a man you’ve dated for less than ninety days because guess what? The guy who is dating you just to get the benefits up front is going to be on his best behavior in the be- ginning, specifically so he can make you think he’s worthy. But just as sure as time is going to come and go, he’ll eventually show his true nature.
Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you. After all, it’s your right to want what you want—and to actually get it. Put yourself first: ask the five questions (as men- tioned in the previous chapter), withhold the benefits, and demand the respect. If you have a high level of respect for your-
self, you’re automatically going to command that respect from a man. Make him qualify for the benefits, and I guarantee you’ll have a better man on your hands—and in your bed. And once you’re satisfied he’s worthy of the benefits, you can pass it out like sandwiches at a picnic.
Hold on, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking that if he doesn’t get sex from you, he’ll go and get it somewhere else, and you will have lost out on that one chance to get him to be your man—or he’ll think you’re playing games if you make him wait, and he’ll move on to the next woman who’s willing to take him into her bed.
Wrong. In fact, one of those mind tricks we’ve been playing on women since the beginning of time is to convince you all that waiting doesn’t matter, that giving it up early and quick is the way to go. Listen to me: if we could convince you that you should strip naked and get to it within the first five minutes of our first meeting, we would. This is not a secret: men love and want sex, and will try (within reason) to get it by any means necessary.
But guess what? He. Can. Wait. Yes, of course you run the risk of scaring him off, but isn’t the guy who sleeps with you without any obligation to you, or consideration of your wants, needs, and emotional well-being, the one you want to go away? Isn’t reserving something that special for a man who earns it more of a benefit to you? You have the power to make him wait—
to prove to you that he deserves your love and affection. The Power. Just think of it this way: when it comes to having sex with a woman, we men don’t decide a thing. We don’t deter- mine when we’re going to sleep with you—that decision is yours. The decision of when we get to kiss you is yours. When we let go of each other’s hug and embrace? That decision is yours. We put our hands somewhere on your body other than your shoulder and you decide if we can keep touching that place or if we gotta let it go. Our job is to convince you to give it to us—to allow us to touch it, let us have it. But the decision on whether we actually get to have it is Y.O.U.R.S.
Don’t give up that power. Keep it. You only give up that power when the man has earned it, and he is going to respect it and do something with it.
That’s the truth. Women have crumbled empires with that power. Cleopatra helped destroy Rome. Read your Bible: we’re still in a jam right now because of Eve. Women have always had that kind of power, and you do, too—including making the man you’re dating wait for the benefits. Oh, I’m not saying you can’t pay the man; payment comes along the way during that ninety-day probationary period. You can hug, kiss, talk on the phone, go for a walk in the park, have an ice cream cone together, go out for dinner. Your time is a form of payment. When we’re out to dinner with you, you can’t imagine how we feel when we’re looking forward to meeting you and you show up with your lip
gloss shining, your eyes seductively made up, and your hair— whether it’s blown out, in a weave, or natural—is lovely, and your body gleaming. I cannot tell you the fulfillment we have in knowing that we’ve secured your time. And to be seen in public with you is a bonus; it’s all the affirmation we need. The payment is incredible.
Hugging? Payment. Kissing? Payment. You getting dressed up? Payment. Going out with us? Payment. Exchanging explicit e-mails? Payment. But if he wants to sleep with you—make babies and have a family? Those are benefits.
So he’s got ninety days on the job to prove himself worthy— ninety days in which you can figure this man out. You’re an investigator—can’t nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y’all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street. You know how to find stuff out about a man he may not have even known about himself. So get to it. Create some scenarios so you can figure out just who this guy is, and whether he’s good enough for your benefits. Here are a few things you might want to find out.
Maybe your car broke down, or the water heater is about to give its last breath, or your kids are acting up and you can’t get a handle on them. You’re exhausted and the stress is showing on your face—he can hear it in your voice. If he asks you, “What’s the matter?” that’s a good start. He’s been around you long enough to know when you’re not your normal self. That’s prog- ress. But now, if you answer him with, “My car broke down and I don’t have the money to fix it right now so I’m just a little worried about how I’m going to get to work tomorrow,” and he says, “Okay, well, call me when you figure it out,” you can scratch him off the benefits list. Be clear: you’re not asking him for money to get the car fixed. You’re just trying to see if he’s going to probe deeper, and find out if there’s anything he can do to help, whether it’s to give you some advice on how to fix the problem, or step in to help you fix it. Did he offer to get up an hour earlier so he could drive you to work while your car is in the shop? Or give you the number to a guy who can fix your car for a deep discount? Did he offer to get up under the hood and take a look himself? Or tell you about his friend who owns a car shop and might be willing to do a favor for him—and you?
Real men extend themselves to women they care about. If you have a problem and your man does not extend himself—he doesn’t try to make it better—this is not a good candidate for benefits.
Now that other man, the one who’ll scoot on the ground on his back with the toolbox, and come back out hours later with car grease all over his shirt and hands and face from trying to fix your raggedy car? That’s the one who might deserve a cold beer and later on, some benefits.
Let’s say an ex of yours is starting to call again, and it’s making you uncomfortable because the breakup was particularly nasty and you just don’t want to go down that road with him again. You tell the new guy you’re bothered by this and are not sure how to make the ex just go away. A benefits-worthy man will immediately launch into “fix-it” mode—he will see what he can do to (a) stop the guy from calling, and (b) get you to feel safe again. He might tell you something like, “Next time he calls, let me talk to him.” That’s a little extreme, but there are some men who will get on the line and let the last ex know to mind his place. Or your new man may give you suggestions for how to deal with the unwanted phone calls; he might tell you to block his number or put a special ring on the phone so you know who it is when the phone rings, maybe even give you a few words to say to this guy to make him stop calling. This is a pressure situ- ation; it doesn’t require an action, but a reaction. If the new guy says something like, “I just can’t get into all of this,” then he’s
not a good candidate for benefits. You’re going to be in pressure situations in your relationship time and time again, and you should know up front, right now, if this guy is ready to handle it. If he goes into protect or fix-it mode, then he envisions you as his woman. And he just might be worth the benefits.
Say you lose a loved one—someone really close to you. A man who has plans for you will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that you can take the time to grieve. He might ask you if he can take your kids out for a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself, or he might ask you if he can go with you to the funeral home to be with you while you see about the funeral arrangements, and so that he can ex- press his condolences to your family. Note, ladies, he’s probably not going to want to sit there and let you retrace your child- hood and reminisce about the first time your deceased loved one pushed you on the swing; that’s not about to happen—it’s not what men do. But a real man will respond with some kind of solution—he will do what he can to help you stop crying, because no man wants to see his woman crying. If this man is not comforting—if he’s not coming up with some solutions to help you feel better, then he needs to be fired. He has no rights to the benefits.
A man who is worthy of the benefits will be there for you no matter what bad circumstance comes along. If you lose your job or fall behind on some payments because you had a huge and unexpected financial situation to deal with, he’ll recognize your need for help and rise to the occasion, whether it’s giving you a little extra cash to make the minimum payment on your bills, stopping by with a few bags of groceries, or filling your gas tank.
Let’s just get right to the crux of this whole chapter: when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the flowers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex. If he says something stupid, such as, “I don’t need to wait for sex—I can get it from anybody,” you tell him right back, “Please do.” This cuts the riffraff away right away. But if your saying no doesn’t deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you better and prove to you that he’s worthy of your benefits, then he’s really, truly interested in you. Don’t get me wrong: he’s still interested in the sex. But he’s also interested in knowing how you feel and what time frame you’re working on. Then the relationship becomes about what you want—what your needs are. And that’s what you’re after, right?
It’s that simple. Now, I realize that ninety days sounds like a lot of time and you kinda need to be real creative to keep his attention on you and your new relationship. So I came up with a list of things you can do with your man to help you—and him—stay focused on the relationship.
Go on dates that help you find out each other’s interests: if he’s into photography, hit up a photography exhibit at the local museum; if you’re into cooking, take a cooking class together.
Host a barbecue at your house and invite him to meet your friends and family; a good guy should be comfortable meeting the people you love.
Go to church together; know that he’s interested.
Sign up for a sexy Latin dance class so you can learn some new moves—it’ll show you if he’s into trying new things, and you can tell if the man has, um, rhythm.
Go out for a picnic in the park with the kids; see if he’s comfortable with them.
Find out each other’s favorite artists and attend a concert together.
Release your inner kid and spend an evening playing games at an arcade.
Have a few “firsts” together—go horseback riding together, or hit up a batting cage, or fall all over each other at the ice skating rink.
Volunteer together—help out at a local soup kitchen or read books to kids at a local foster home; you can tell a lot about a man who’s willing to help others.
Rent a convertible and get lost cruising in your city; you’ll have plenty of time to talk on a long drive.
Find a quiet place where you can watch the sunset together.
Play a board game.
Go for a long walk under a starlit sky.
Send each other naughty e-mails, so he can be sure that when he does get it, it’s going to be good. (And you can make sure he’s literate while you’re at it.)
Read a passage out of each other’s favorite books.
Have a movie night in which you both bring your favorite DVDs.
Go to a record store and listen to each other’s favorite artists.
Challenge each other to do something silly, like build a sandcastle at the beach or a game of jacks or marbles.
Hit up a comedy show; you can learn a lot about a person by what they find funny and what they think is offensive.