here are a few things you should know about my wife, Marjorie: She is incredibly talented and supportive. She is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She loves the Lord. She is a terrific mother to our chil- dren. She’s classy and smart. And she cares for, respects, and adores me deeply.
You should also know that my wife has a set of standards that I have known about and respected from the first day I met her.
It started while I was doing a show in Memphis. She walked in with another attractive woman. I couldn’t help myself; I stopped mid-joke and said, “Excuse me, I know you don’t know me, but one of these days, I’m going to marry you.” She laughed
and said, “You don’t know me.” But I didn’t care and I told her as much. I knew right then and there we were going to be mar- ried some day (of course, this was really more of a hope than a certainty—smile).
Maybe she knew it, too, or at least liked what she saw because even though she disappeared the night I informed her of my plan, she showed up two nights later at another show of mine, and this time, I asked her to come backstage and talk for a while. She agreed, and we became fast friends, and even dated for a spell. But eventually, we both went our separate ways. Still, Mar- jorie and I always remembered the friendship we had together, and we reached out to check up on each other from time to time.
Finally, Marjorie and I reconnected and started dating again; we got serious pretty quickly, both of us realizing that we had missed out on a great relationship once, and we didn’t want to risk losing out on it again. But, even though I knew I was in love with this woman and that she loved me, I was still con- nected to some women friends I had developed after my divorce, when I had really started dating again.
Well, one particular night when Marjorie was visiting me at my home in New York on Valentine’s Day weekend, one of those friends called my cell. I didn’t talk much—said, “Hi,” told her we’d chat another time and that I’d stop and see her if and when I was back in town, and then hung up. I didn’t even think Marjorie heard the conversation—at least she wasn’t
acting like she did. I should have known better, though. She’s got that “mother” hearing—doesn’t miss a thing. And sure enough, late that night, when I got up to go to the bathroom— it was about 3:00
.—there was Marjorie in the hallway, standing there in her fur coat with her suitcase in her hand. She was going to leave me—leave us.
“Where you going?” I asked her. Her response made me realize right then and there, in the middle of that hallway, in the middle of the night, that she was The One.
“I’m not trying to be anybody’s plaything or anybody’s woman on a string,” she said matter-of-factly, her suitcase still in her hand. “I don’t think you’re ready for what I have to offer. I got these kids, I have a good life, and I want a man who will come in and complete my family. If this is what you want, too, I’ll be in Memphis.”
After I picked up my jaw, I asked her to give me one more chance, took her bags, and immediately found my phone and snapped it in half. I’d lost her once—this beautiful, smart, sweet woman—and no other woman could be as loving and dedi- cated to me, to us, or to my children. I realized right then and there, in that hallway, that I wanted no other.
In other words, I became the man she needed me to be be- cause she had sense enough to have requirements—standards that she needed in her relationship in order to make the rela- tionship work for her. She knew she wanted a monogamous relationship—a partnership with a man who wanted to be a
dedicated husband and father. She also knew this man had to be faithful, love God, and be willing to do what it took to keep this family together. On a smaller scale, she also made clear that she expected to be treated like a lady at every turn—I’m talking opening car doors for her, pulling out her seat when she’s ready to sit at the table, coming correct on anniversary, Mother’s Day, and birthday gifts, keeping the foul talk to a minimum. These requirements are important to her because they govern how she will be treated; they are important to me, too, because they lay out a virtual map of what all I need to do to make sure she gets what she needs and wants. After all, it’s universal knowledge that when mama is happy, everybody is happy. And it is my sole mission in life to make sure Marjorie is happy.
Men can’t accomplish this mission for you without your help; we can’t possibly begin to fathom what it is you women need and want because your needs and wants change from woman to woman like the wind does from city to city. Men are very simple, logical people; if you tell us what you like and what you don’t like, we’ll do anything we can to make sure we live up to your expectations, particularly if we’re interested in forging a relationship with you. (But beware of telling a man everything you like when you first meet; I’ll tell you why later in the chapter.)
But really, we’re not programmed to figure it out. It really makes us quite happy when you lay out your requirements for us. And we need you to do it up front, so we can decide if we’re
up for the challenge—not two weeks into the relationship, not two months after we’ve had sex, not two years after we’ve said “I do” in front of the preacher and our respective families and friends. Heck, we’ll take them while you’re standing there at the bar, sipping on the peach martini we just bought you, so long as you’re laying them out. Because now you’ve given us a road map for how to conduct ourselves, especially if we’re truly interested in a relationship with you.
Understand that this chapter is not a license for you to start running down your list of “I can’ts” and “I won’ts” and “you better not nevahs” as soon as a gentleman approaches you. We do like some kind of decorum. You’ve got to finesse the situa- tion—tell a man what you require without making it feel like you’re ticking off a list of demands. It really is all in the deliv- ery; if you tell him your requirements in the midst of conversa- tion, and they sound attainable, and you shape your standards in soft language, it’ll be easier for him to understand, and, more important, act on them. Think about how crazy he’s going to look at you if, finger wagging, you just come out your face and say, “I will not tolerate a man who does not understand my role as a mother—if you got a problem with my kids and the rest of my family, you got a problem with me!” It’ll be the equivalent of the needle scratching all the way across the record; he’s going to think, at best, that you’re angry—at worst, you’re crazy, and perhaps your family is, too. But imagine how he’ll feel if you flip the script and say something pleasant like, “Oh, you know,
I have kids and they’re number one in my life because my par- ents raised me to understand the importance of family.” Now, he knows you’re one of those good girls—sweet, responsible, and family oriented. If he’s not that guy, he’ll move on to the next woman—the one with no requirements who’s down for whatever. But if he’s a man who shares your belief in the im- portance of family, he’s going to keep talking to you, and listen for more of your standards.
Here are a few more examples I’ve laid out for you so you can see how to wrap up your requirements in one of those pretty bows.
Instead of saying you “can’t stand it” when a man shows up late, say something like, “Everybody is so busy these days— time sure is precious, isn’t it? I go out of my way to make sure that if I say I’m going to be somewhere at 7:00
., if not earlier, so that we can do what we need to do in a timely manner, and if I’m going to be late, it only takes a phone call to be courteous.”
Translation: You’ve just told him that you require the man in your life to show up when he says he’s going to show up, and have enough manners and class to call if he’s going to be late. Now he knows to leave a few minutes earlier so he gets to you on time, and to make sure his cell is charged in case he needs to give you a head’s-up.
Instead of saying, “If you’re dating and sleeping with other women, I am not the one!” say something like, “I’m always honest with the man I’m dating; if I feel like I want to see other people besides him, I let him know up front so that he can decide if he wants to continue the relationship as is, or ask me to date him exclusively.”
Translation: You’ve just told him that you require the man in your life to be honest and up front about the parameters of the relationship—if he’s going to play, he’s going to have to let you know so that you can make intelligent, rational decisions about how to deal with that. You’ve told him, too, that this is up for discussion—that the two of you can decide together what it is you want out of the relationship, instead of having it dictated to him.
Instead of saying, “If my man doesn’t have God in his life and doesn’t know how to jog for Jesus, there’s no need in him even opening his mouth to me, perhaps you can say something like, “Sunday is my favorite day of the week, be- cause I get to go to church and fellowship with like-minded people and exercise my faith. By the time ser vice is over, I feel so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going to go great.”
Translation: You’ve made clear that you’re a God-fearing, churchgoing woman who knows the Lord and takes her faith seriously, and you’ve opened up the conversation for him to give his take on how he feels about religion and spirituality.
Instead of saying, “I got three kids and two jobs because these children’s daddy ain’t worth a damn, so any man stepping to me better have bank and be ready to raise some kids the right way or hit the highway, you might want to say something like, “Being a good mom is really important to me, and a part of being a good mom is making sure that my kids have a good father. I’m independent, but I realize how much better it would be for me and my family if a good man was in the picture.
Translation: You will have made clear that while you’re quite capable of taking care of your own children, you recognize the importance of having a good man in the mix—something that will make a man who’s willing to put in the work understand that he will be appreciated for being a good husband and father. And that’s really all a man wants—a little appreciation every now and again.
Get the picture? Now, you’ve given us what we think is valuable information about the woman we’re interested in. But more important, you’ve told us what your standards are, though
you’ve done so by disguising them in a whole lot of pretty talk. It’s like grape-flavored cough syrup; it’s still medicine, but it’s just going to taste better going down.
Now, I should add that while men appreciate it when women let them know up front what they require in a relationship, I firmly believe women need to step back every once in a while and let the man show you what he’s made of—you know, prove that he’s worthy of your time. I really do believe one of the big- gest mistakes women make early on in the relationship is laying out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you, without giving him a chance to show you what he’s willing to do for you. I mean, it’s nice and all that you like long walks by the beach, and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, and you favor lilies in the summertime. But how, exactly, do you find out how cre- ative, exciting, or giving a man is if you give him the blueprint for how to coax a smile on to your face, without requiring him to figure some of this out on his own? Be sure of this: if you tell a man you like red roses at work, dinner at that special restaurant across town, and Chanel bags for your birthday, that is exactly what he will give you—nothing less, but certainly nothing more. And you’ll be happy about it—at first. But then give it about forty-five days or so, and he’s going to stop doing what you told him you like because he’ll have figured he did what he needed to do to get what he wanted. And you will think that because he stopped, he changed. And you’ll go tell your girlfriends, “I don’t know what happened—he used to do everything I like.”
He did everything you like because you told him what you like. My philosophy? Instead of telling him what you like, tell him what you don’t like, and then see how he responds; let him research and dig and figure out how to get to your sweet spot. Just go right ahead and put it out there: “I’m not a fan of just sitting around in the house on the weekends,” or “I don’t like it when a man doesn’t treat me like a lady,” or “I don’t like going to the same restaurants over and over again.” Then, as your relationship progresses, watch his actions. For sure, you’ll get his blueprint for how he conducts himself—you’ll see what he’s willing to give freely of his own accord. You don’t like going to the same restaurants? He’ll know to find new, interesting places to take you. You don’t like sitting in the house on Satur- days? He’ll be sure to take you out to a concert or a new museum exhibit, or he’ll at least look through the newspaper and see what’s going on around town so he has some sugges- tions for what you all can do together. He knows you don’t like people who aren’t family oriented? He’s going to bring treats for the kids when he meets them, or even offer to take you and them to the park for a quick game of catch or a push on the swings, and no matter how uncomfortable he may think he might feel, he’s going to go to the barbecue at your mom’s house because he knows you require a man who likes and gets along with family. Sit back and watch him: see if he opens the car door for you, or pulls out your chair when you sit at the table, or turns off his phone when he’s with you, so that he can
dedicate all of his attention to your time together. And then if he doesn’t step up to the plate—if he doesn’t show you that he’s willing to figure out how to put a smile on your face—then you’ll be in the position to decide if he’s capable of giving you what you need and at least some of what you want.
Of course, to lay out your requirements for a man, and convey the importance of following those requirements, you must first figure out what, exactly, your requirements are. I’ve listed questions here that you should consider as you formulate your top ten requirements, and I’ve left space for you to docu- ment your list:
What specific kind of man are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?)
How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)
What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion?)
What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)
Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented?
Does he have to be religious/spiritual?
Do you mind if he’s a divorcé or has kids?
Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?
What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get along with her? Or if his father was never around?)
What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)